IT'S often said that when you first meet a man, you're actually meeting his, "representative." If you're a serious Lady, this "representative" will show you his honest, straightforward style in an effort to win you over. If you're an adventurous Lady who loves to have a great time, he will reveal his outrageous sense of humor and may even suggest a mountain-climbing trip. If you're a tad old-fashioned, he'll nearly trip over himself to open your door.
First step:IS HE FREE?
First things first: Ask your man if he's married or in an otherwise committed relationship. That's right--some men who are so eager to get to know you better may employ the don't ask, don't tell policy about the women in their life, says Lawrence James, president of the Association of Black Psychologists, Chicago chapter. "Some men will hide the fact that they're married if they are unhappy in their marriage, or if he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and is still living the life of a bachelor," he explains. Dr. James adds that there are certain tell-tale signs of a Brother who's on the prowl. For instance, upon meeting him, if your-man-to-be doesn't offer you his home number, or cell phone number, be suspicious. (The same rule applies if you are given a home number but are only allowed to call during specific hours.) "Trust your gut feeling about the man," Dr. James says. "If he is doing things and taking you places that indicate that he's hiding out, it should raise questions about his availability for you."
2nd step. WHAT ARE HIS INTENTIONS?
Don't assume that just because his face lights up like a Christmas tree every time he sees you that he's in this relationship for the long haul. And since there is a wide spectrum of relationships ranging from the "just hanging out" phase to marriage, New York psychologist Vera S. Paster, author of Staying Married: A Guide for African-American Couples, says Sisters should ask their potential mate immediately what his expectations are.
"The woman needs to know if what he wants is compatible with what she wants. For example, if she is looking for a permanent romantic relationship leading to marriage, she ought to know if he's the marrying type," Dr. Paster says. "She needs to know if he's able to commit himself to her, or if he's looking for a friendship or just a romantic liaison."
Houston-area psychologist Lesajean Jennings agrees and says it's best to ask rather than assume. "We often see signs and we know what they are, but we just don't want to believe them," she says. "Maybe this is a nice, attractive, kindhearted guy who just isn't ready for you. Pay attention to how he refers to you in public (does he call you `just a friend,' or `the love of his life'?) and ask the right questions (where are we headed in this friendship?). It's more fruitful to listen and pay close attention to what's actually flashing on the wall than to assume."
3rd step. WHAT IS HIS SEXUAL HISTORY?
Inquiring about your mate's sexual health is definitely your business, especially if you decide to have an intimate relationship with him. Unfortunately, not many people will be open and honest about at-risk behavior, so it's always best to protect yourself--even if Mr. Right swears he is an adult virgin who was born and reared in the Holy Land. "Nowadays you need to get a very recent lab report on folks," warns Faruq Iman, president of the Association of Black Psychologists' Delaware Valley chapter. Dr. Jennings takes it a step further, saying that the woman should get tested as well. "If a woman wants her man to be tested for every sexually transmitted disease in the books, she should be willing to undergo those tests as well, she says. "In this clay of AIDS, herpes, and everything else that can last a lifetime or even kill you, it's important that you practice safe sex, no matter what."
4th step. ARE THERE SKELETONS IN HIS CLOSET?
Let's face it, Ladies, all men (and women) have a past. And as many history buffs will declare, if you don't learn from the past, you are bound to repeat it. Some relationship therapists conclude that it's best to ask about your mate's previous relationships, not to get the gossip on what went wrong, but rather, to discover if your mate has a pattern that will inevitably manifest in your current relationship. For instance, some [financially conservative] men date long and hard and then bail out right before the holiday season, only to return when he's no longer expected to give a gift. Some men are commitment-phobes who stick around faithfully until they hear the words "I love you," and then they take off like a runaway train. "Humans are very cyclical," explains Dr. Jennings. "We are likely to do the same thing over and over again, unless we make a conscious effort to change."
5th step . DOES HE HAVE MONEY PROBLEMS?
It's no surprise that many major relationship arguments occur because of money or the lack of it--how one partner spends it, or envy because one partner makes more than the other. In a budding relationship, financial issues may not arise because, generally, both partners tend to their Naira separately. But if this is a relationship that is inching toward a permanent union, experts advise couples to sit down with a financial planner to avoid future conflict. In the meantime, observe your partner's spending habits to determine if his habits are in line with your own; and ask about his views on saving and investing. Does he owe alimony or child support, and if he does, is he paying it? Conventional wisdom states that if a man ducks out on supporting his family, he'll probably duck out on you.
Warning! Inquiring about how your partner handles his money does not translate into asking how much money he earns, which is a major no-no, says Dr. James. "Asking a man how much he earns is rude. Most men see that as a gold-digger's inquiry," he argues. "It sends the message that money is all that you're interested in."But money should not be topmost issue since money is not everything but its important...
6th step. DOES HE HAVE A CRIMINAL RECORD?
Safety experts often advise women to check out their mate's past thoroughly before getting involved, and for a few Naira, how you doing it is.... But delving into his background or paying someone to round up all of his traffic tickets may cause you to miss out on a good thing, "You may prejudge a man because his record isn't squeaky clean, and that says that you don't believe that a person can be rehabilitated," he states. Regardless of his past, it's imperative to trust your instincts about your man. Dr. Jennings says that a woman should ask herself the following: "Do I feel physically and emotionally safe with him?" "Does he permit me to grow and develop in this relationship?" And, "Does he allow me to feel secure in this relationship?"But remember any body can change thats the facts.
7th step. DOES HE LOVE AND RESPECT HIS MOTHER AND OTHER PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE?
Is your man a mama's boy? Did she instill in him the importance of loving and respecting women, or did she groom him to believe that he's God's gift to the female species? The best way to get quality information about your man (outside of asking him and imposing the "scout's honor" code to get the truth) is to observe his behavior with family and friends, says Dr. Jennings. "Look at his mother and father and the relationship they have. Basically we learn how to treat others from our families," she says. "We learn how to `do' relationships from watching how our parents treat each other." She adds that if there is a bad family system (i.e., one parent is verbally abusive), it doesn't mean that you should write your man off. "Some men become conscious of the things that are going on badly in their family and are able to correct themselves when they get involved in relationships."
next week:
Expect:
...signs he likes you
five secrets of law of attracttion thats works
...signs she likes you(for men) .
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The Guru(relationship/love matters etc)
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